Real Housewives of Melbourne cast. Source: Supplied
AS episode six of The Real Housewives of Melbourne opens, we're treated to a glimpse of scholastic life for Lydia, who studies Interior Design at RMIT.
While she may major in Design, it appears she's doing a minor in Patronising Linguistics, given the way she refers to her tutor and classmates:
"[Tutor] Kieron has this very sweet little personality. Because he knows I've been in the field for a long time, he does admire my opinion — and he questions himself. I do tease him."
Just look at sweet little Kieron, admiring Lydia's opinion and questioning everything he ever thought he knew about Interior Design:
Lydia: "You're such a sweet, simple little man." Kieron: "I cannot wait to fail you." Source: Foxtel
Of her classmates, this textbook IMAS (Insufferable Mature Age Student) says:
"I have made some very sweet little friends. It's a gorgeous learning for me, understanding their simple, naive style versus mine."
Lydia goes on to describe her design style as "classical, contemporary and egg-leg-dick." We can add that inventive attempt at 'eclectic' to the ever-growing Lydia Dictionary, where it'll join her pronunciation of tranquil as "TRAWN-KEEL" last week.
Next, we join cougar Janet at her weekender in Red Hill. She's meeting with interior designer Andrew who, like Janet, is not bad for an old chook:
"Janet, I've gone $1.5 million dollars over budget, but you have to admit my hair is fabulous." Source: Foxtel
It's a good thing Andrew's got the whole silver fox thing going on, because Janet informs us that her original renovation budget was $125,000. Andrew's current quote is $1.7 million. Janet, no judgment: if an immaculately groomed Anderson Cooper lookalike asked us for $1.7 million, we too would FIND THE CASH.
Real Housewives is just a Suzie-Wilks-high-ponytail away from being Changing Rooms this week, because next we visit Andrea, who's supervising the renovations of her Liberty Belle skin care clinic. As a client, she seems a little more ... high maintenance than Janet.
"Green carpet would be an enormous disaster," is an actual real thing she tells her building supervisor, Adam.
Andrea's opening is both huge and important, viewers. Source: Foxtel
With renovations running behind schedule, Andrea makes continued reference to the importance of her Huge Opening. We think we see her architect smirk at one point — OH GROW UP ADAM.
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Enough renovations! Time for fun. The ladies head down to Andrea's weekender on the Mornington Peninsula for an afternoon of champagne, tennis, champagne and champagne.
Lydia gives Jackie a lift, leading to this amazing moment from Jackie:
"It's tennis day! Lydia picked me up in her amazing Porsche — I'VE GOT A PORSCHE TOO."
Subtle, Jackie, subtle.
As the Housewives arrive, Andrea takes them on an oh-so-humble tour of the beach house: "The tennis surface alone is worth $40,000," she boasts, at which point her dog emerges from the shrubbery carrying a dead rosella in its mouth.
Here is a picture of Andrea on the aforementioned $40,000 tennis court, carrying a partially eaten dead bird.
"We have all our partially eaten rosellas imported from Tuscany." Source: Foxtel
"As I was driving down I was thinking to myself, 'If we could have no drama today, it would be sensational,'" Janet says on arrival at the house.
Trouble is, Gina's running behind schedule, so two minutes later, Janet changes her tune.
"I'm just getting so sick of the fact that Gina is always late. Making us all wait like that, it's just the height of arrogance and rudeness."
Janet, the wise philosopher Mary J Blige said it best: No More Drama.
As the girls wait and wait for Queen G, tension mounts. Just look at the unimaginable turmoil they're all experiencing:
WOW much turmoil very sadness such waiting Source: Foxtel
FINALLY, Gina swans in, luggage in tow, looking like she's about to board an international flight.
"Hey plebs, which way to the first class lounge?" Source: Foxtel
As Gina changes into her tennis outfit, the rest of the girls start playing. While it's just a bit of light cardio between drinks for most of them, Lydia and Andrea take it VERY SERIOUSLY. Here's some exclusive footage:
"Lydia was very bossy to me during the tennis. She kept telling me to keep my eye on the ball. But if she kept saying it to me, SHE was going to have to keep her eye on the ball," says Chyka, who hasn't quite mastered the art of delivering pithy tennis-related bon mots.
While they all wait for Gina to get changed, an impatient Jackie tests out yet another iteration of her #SHINESHINESHINE catchphrase: "Come on Gina G, let's shine this up." The other ladies wisely ignore her latest attempt to make 'Fetch' happen.
Suddenly, Gina emerges from a cloud of hairspray, resplendent in a hot pink minidress and stilettos. She looks a hundred bucks, but Janet seems to suffer some sort of an allergic reaction:
"As she walked out, my heart just hit the ground. Why did I ever think she was going to participate? I was so angry, I was just churning up inside. I thought, I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you," she seethes.
Here is Gina, not caring:
"Haterz gonna hate." Source: Foxtel
"I decided to wear high heels for a bit of comedy, a bit of Kath and Kim," Gina says of her decision to ruin Andrea's $40,000 tennis court.
"Really, at the end of the day, who wants to watch five bloated women running around a tennis court?" She's got you there, Janet.
After a strenuous 90 seconds on the court, Gina once again retires to the bathroom to reapply her makeup and make sure her hair-helmet is still fresh n' crispy.
At lunch, the others try to confront Gina about her rude behaviour. She's too busy checking her phone — presumably finalising her deal for a Judge Judy-esque spin-off show.
"Mmm-hmm, yep, keep detailing your problems with me. TOTALLY listening. SO not on Tinder right now." Source: Foxtel
Having downed several bottles of champagne, the ladies all get back in their cars for the drive home. SAFETY FIRST GIRLS!
Back in Melbourne, Jackie and Gina catch up for a coffee. Last time they did so, someone got accused of demonic possession. This time it's a much more laid-back meeting, and the pair agree to let bygones be bygones.
Jackie ends with "I think we need to do this more often, and that way, we can shine off together."
Gina, we don't know what 'shining off together' entails, but we've got one word of advice for you: RUN.
Everyone: "AAAAAAAY Macarena" Source: Foxtel
The ladies round out the episode with a salsa lesson at up-market club Silk Road. They all shake their hips and scream random Spanish words like "Hola!" and "Arriba!", suggesting their understanding of Latin culture has laregly been gleaned from Old El Paso ads.
It's not a total bust, though, as Janet does swap numbers with dreamy salsa instructor Jai. Given that he announces during the lesson that "everybody should share everybody's partners," we think Janet's in for a good time.
Janet's salsa instructor: not actually three feet tall. Source: Foxtel
Remember, until next week: Shine Shine Shine! DAMMIT JACKIE
Catch The Real Housewives of Melbourne, 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel's Arena channel.
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