‘She’s a poor ugly dog’: Housewives turn nasty

The Real Housewives of Melbourne will feature six new housewives who enjoy the lavish, pampered and cultured lifestyle who own private jets, amazing homes and are married to high profile businessmen, including one to a rock star and another to a plastic surgeon

Real Housewives of Melbourne cast in Queensland L-R: Jackie, Chyka, Gina, Andrea, Lydia, Janet. Source: Supplied

Brace yourselves, Real Housewives of Melbourne fans. We're only a couple of episodes away from the end of the season, and things are getting nasty.

As episode eight opens, helicopter enthusiast Lydia arrives at her friend Lisa's house to fill her in on the dramatic goings-on of last week's trip to Mission Beach.

Realising this is her chance to score a recurring role on the show, Lisa goes hell-for-leather with the sassy quips. She informs Lydia that she hasn't eaten any carbs since 1964 (a joke that's rather lost on her: "Wow, really?"), and remarks that "you can never be too rich or too thin."

"Lisa and her one liners? She's hilarious!" Lydia exclaims.

How many canaries had to die to make this outfit? Source: Foxtel

Audition out of the way, Lisa asks Lydia about her continuing issues with Gina. What exactly is the problem?

"Look, she basically … she … arrives late," is Lydia's feeble response.

As the conversation continues, Lisa admits that she's stressed. She's taken a leading role in the business she and her husband own, and it's a high pressure situation — in the past week alone, she's had to raise $1 million for a project.

"Ultimately, you've still got to be a sexy girl and a beautiful wife, because men love that," is Lydia's not-exactly-feminist advice. Honestly, the Spice Girls must be rolling in their graves right now.

Next up we're with Andrea, who's at Hardie Grant books for a meeting with their Publishing Director, Fran Berry. She's here to pitch her 'how to' guide for other mums, Wanna Be Like Me? Then Get Off Your Arse And Do Something You Slack Moll (note: may not be actual book title).

"I've had so many different babysitters and nannies, and it's all of my tips on how you select the perfect babysitter," she tells Berry.

"I can haz book deal now pleez?" Source: Foxtel

She then divulges further details about the book: it's written in the form of an extended angry letter to a fellow real-life mother who Andrea said had judged her parenting style.

Berry explains that a book written purely out of spite might not make for the most enjoyable read. She also makes this face a lot:

"Why didn't I have that panic button installed under my desk when I had the chance?" Source: Foxtel

Berry suggests that Andrea start a blog to gain a following, then come back and pitch her book again in, y'know, a few years. OUCH.

By the end of the meeting, Andrea's made up her mind: She doesn't need some so-called 'Publishing Editor' of a 'book company' telling her whether or not she can have a book deal. She'll publish it herself, haters be damned!

It's all business this week, because next we're with Jackie (ShineShineShine™) and husband Ben as they visit a distillery to discuss their line of pre-mixed cocktails, La Mascara (it's Italian for 'The Mascara', doncha know).

The distillery manager, John, gives the couple a wake-up call: they haven't organised suppliers, packaging, or ingredients. Heck, they haven't even purchased a domain name for the business. How exactly do they plan to get La Mascara off the ground?

For the 187th time this series, Jackie utters the words that strike fear into the hearts of men:

"John, I don't know if you know this, but I'm actually a professional psychic."

John tells Jackie and Ben that, psychic or not, there's just no way they can get everything organised in time for the planned product launch.

"Well I don't LIKE that answer. I know you've got to look at things from a realistic point of view, but I'm a realistic person, and I believe you can have things done today, not yesterday," says Jackie.

Then she gives him one of her trademark wide-eyed crazy-person smiles to seal the deal.

"So you'll do everything I say, yes? YES?" Source: Foxtel

Meeting adjourned, Jackie and Ben had to the distillery's lab where chemist Norm, who'll actually be creating their drinks, crunches the numbers on how much it'll cost to get product on the shelves: around $129,000 in alcohol taxes alone.

"F**k," Jackie says, succinctly.

Jackie suspects that if she winks at the chemist, he may fix her a drink. Source: Foxtel

Afterwards, Ben's reeling from the day's events.

"The most shocking thing about visiting the distillery was hearing about all the little details we hadn't thought about: the bottles, the liquid, bottling them ..."

So, like, everything ?

Next we head to Armadale, where Lydia and Andrea catch up for a girl's lunch to gossip, natter, and drag Gina's good name through the mud. OH FUN!

Andrea announces that she's decided to distance herself from Gina, which, considering Gina abandoned a luxurious free holiday early so she wouldn't have to be near Andrea, seems a little like dumping someone after they've already broken up with you.

"Should I ask the women at that table if any of them will publish my book?" Source: Foxtel

"I feel very sorry for [Gina], because she doesn't have the forsyth to see what she's doing," says Andrea, who has written a book so yes of course she meant to say forsyth and not foresight.

That evening, the ladies assemble for the opening of Andrea's newly-renovated skin care clinic, Liberty Belle. She addresses the partygoers with a truly inspiring speech about Her Brave Struggle:

"Behind me was 60sqm of residential apartments, and we've now turned it into a world class centre of excellence for cosmetic medicine."

Beautiful words. We're sure the people who lived in those apartments would be happy to hear them, whichever bridge they're sheltering under now.

Talking to the girls after her speech, Andrea has a fun suggestion: "Hey, let's launch into Gina!"

"I think we're at your beautiful event, I think we're having a really fun night and I think we should go inside and take a look," says Chyka, prompting a glare from Andrea that says 'Why did I even invite you."

"Chyka? More like FREAK-A! Oh that's a good one I'm totally putting that in the book" Source: Foxtel

"I agree, but I'm really glad that silly clown is not here tonight, " says silly clown Lydia.

Chyka tries to reason with Lydia, pointing out that she and Gina have been friends for eight years.

"Chyka, she's a dog. I don't want to go to bed with someone that's got fleas. She's crossed the line, she's got a gutter mouth," says gutter mouth Lydia.

"Well I've got a gutter mouth," offers Jackie.

"No, no, but you're very sophisticated," counters Lydia, who is obviously now talking CRAZY TALK.

"You've got to understand what has really triggered this: She's lonely and she's so ugly. We're rich, and that would annoy her," says Lydia, whose comments we've helpfully highlighted for your reading pleasure.

Andrea finishes their bitch session by proposing a toast "to health, happiness and friendship."

"SEND IN THE HELICOPTER, BOYS" Source: Foxtel

The fivesome then go on a tour of the new facilities, and at one point jokingly restrain Lydia to an operating table.

"I love being tied up," she purrs. Lydia, we're sure there are a few viewers who'd be happy to oblige after your comments about Gina.

The next day, Jackie and Lydia go lingerie shopping. Ben's taking Jackie on a romantic date, so she wants to buy something noice, different and unusual.

"Let's get him all hot and horny. I want to make sure he's pleased in every way possible," she says.

Jackie and Lydia go lingerie shopping. Source: Supplied

Jackie tries on a few options — they're all subtle, sophisticated looks, as you can see below.

"I looked at her and thought, what beauty. The youth, her beautiful long legs, and this beautiful lace around her private bits was just so sexy … my god Ben's lucky," sighs Lydia, who so far this season has expressed attraction towards her stepson, a helicopter and now another of the housewives.

In the event of a water landing, Jackie Gillies can be used as a flotation device. Source: Foxtel

Delicates purchased, it's time for Ben and Jackie's date. Over dinner, he suggests that once La Mascara's up and running, they should start a family.

"Let's put more Bens in the world," is his way of putting it.

After dinner, he surprises her with a boat trip on the Yarra River (although it wasn't actually a surprise to Jackie: she's psychic, which you might remember her mentioning once or twice), and the pair start mackin' on something hectic. It's a sight to behold.

Fun fact: This is the only way to stop Jackie Gillies from saying 'Shine shine shine' Source: Foxtel

For the episode's climactic scene ("Mmm, climactic" — Lydia, probably), Chyka hosts a grand soiree catered by her company. Everyone's invited, although Gina hasn't RSVPed. The others all agree that they can't imagine she'd dare show her face.

"I was so looking forward to seeing everyone without Gina there," says Andrea.

"No Gina equals no drama and no-one running late."

Isn't it ironic (in the Alanis Morissette, not-actually-ironic-at-all sense) that at that very moment, Gina's at home, getting ready to attend the party and indeed, RUNNING LATE.

Gina seems a bit nervous about turning up because she's busy applying an extra layer of make-up for the occasion.

Trust us, Gina Liano is somewhere under there. Source: Foxtel

Unaware of Gina's imminent arrival, Andrea and Lydia get stuck into slagging her off yet again.

"I understand their anger, but come on ladies — let's let go of the past and let's just move forward," says Jackie. OK, when Jackie Gillies is the most sensible person in the room something has gone TERRIBLY WRONG.

Suddenly, the crowd parts and Gina emerges, heavily painted game face on. While the others plaster on fake smiles and kiss her hello, Andrea handles the surprise with trademark tact.

"Oh no she di'ent" Source: Foxtel

The girls welcome to Gina is stilted to say the least, but she doesn't care.

"When you've experienced and survived cancer, when you've been down in the trenches with your clients who are staring down the barrel of going to jail or losing their children or losing their home, the girls' behaviour is so trivial that it's just nonsense," she says.

As the housewives settle in to the party, Andrea's husband appears and makes small talk with Gina (because nobody else seems willing to).

Asking if she had a good time on the Mission Beach holiday, he seems utterly unaware that the getaway culminated in his lovely wife giving Gina the finger and telling her she was too disgusting to look at.

"In a word, no." Source: Foxtel

"It seemed odd that Chris hadn't heard what had happened at Mission Beach, and how hideously behaved his wife was," Gina says.

As the episode ends, Andrea issues an ominous announcement to the viewers at home: "Gina and I are still at war."

Andrea, we've got three words for you: