‘You just ate someone’s face’

Written By komlim puldel on Selasa, 24 Februari 2015 | 20.01

Jonathon Moran attempts I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here tucker trial.

I'M not going to lie – I love the absolute guinea fowl gizzards out of a food challenge, and tonight was no HRRRRRRGGGHHHxception.

Except for that thing where I'm desperately, pit-sweatingly afraid of vomiting, the sound of vomiting, the idea of vomiting, and anything even vaguely upchuck-esque.

So thank you, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here producers, for showing – both into AND out of the ad break – Chrissie Swan tossing her cookies in a bucket. Remind me to return the favour sometime, by what, I don't know – sewing live hedgehogs into your underpants or something.

Don't examine it, just eat it. Source: Channel 10

Gurge-purge notwithstanding, this episode must have been the most quote-worthy of the series so far. In fact, if anyone wants to name their new band, look no further. For example:

THANK YOU WOLLONGONG, WE'VE BEEN FREDDIE'S DAPPER WOGGLE!

Frair-ie Flin-off laments his slipping hygiene standards, and makes amends by adopting a side part and a makeshift cravat, which is really just a bandana with a custom Daddo-brand cub scout woggle.

GOOD EVENING, COONABARABRAN, WE'RE CLANDESTINE COFFEE AND WE'RE READY TO ROCK!

In part one of a multi-episode, three-part "challenge" Maureen gets to secretly pick another celebrity to sneakily drink coffee with. She picks Joel, who sips his surreptitiously behind a tree, but chooses the toilet for her own caffeinated hideout. She tells the camera she was "gulping it in the long drop", which I'm pretty sure is the title of Clandestine Coffee's sophomore album.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GIVE A WARM OODNADATTA WELCOME TO OSTRICH ANUS!

I need my thesaurus open at the 'vomit' entry just to describe this hot mess. Today's food challenge Tucker Trial, met with varying degrees of success by Merv 'straight down like undies at a foam party' Hughes and Chrissie 'stop trying to make retch happen' Swan, is extreme.

Go on, take a bite ... Source: Channel 10

Not believing in starting slowly, Chrissie takes the first of five turns by chewing tentatively on a third of a preserved, salted fish, bouncing it on a trampoline located somewhere south of her ribcage, and depositing it without hesitation into a bucket by her foot.

To follow, Merv (after, it must be admitted, being extremely sweet and supportive to the clearly distressed and two-tenths inside-out Chrissie), inhales a chunk of guinea-fowl gut sausage like it's the last piece of cake at a fat kid convention. It's like Merv and Chrissie are a vacuum cleaner on two different settings.

Om, nom, nom. Source: Channel 10

Chrissie's next dish is a thing. With another thing on top. And with an ostrich anus on top of that.

DON'T FORGET TO BUY OUR NEW SINGLE 'I CAN SEE RIGHT UP WHERE THE POO COMES OUT'

"That's someone's bum" says Chrissie.

"Who's bum is that?" she continues, and we realise that nobody asked the ostrich's name before... y'know. Before cutting off its anus. Come on now. If you're going to have your anus cut off and served on top of a curry, I think the world deserves to know your name.

Chrissie is ultimately unable to eat Sebastian's anus (I took a guess).

By contrast, Merv pounces on his goat offal and caul fat dumpling like it's the last scented candle at a single girl's garage sale.

The final course is shared, and it's a chicken foot and a chicken head, giving us possibly the best quote-slash-Fall-Out-Boy song title ever:

"You Just Ate Someone's Face and You're My Hero".

That's the kind of thing you save for the encore.

AND NOW, THE COOL JAZZ-FUNK STYLINGS OF: THE BI-CURIOUS EYEBROWS

As Anna mildly uncomfortably finds out: If you want a kiss on the lips from Maureen McCormick, give her a quick brow-tidy. The closest we'll ever get to a pash on this show comes directly after one person yanks body hair from another person's face. It's not un-amazing.

WE'D LIKE TO PLAY AN OLDIE FOR YOU, ROOTY HILL, SO HERE'S 'A MAN IN A TURBAN WINKED AT ME IN DUBAI'.

Australia must not ever let Maureen go, because Maureen has amazing stories about men at the airport winking at her. You're ours now, Maureen. We'll never let you go to an airport again, because you might leave.

REFORMING ESPECIALLY FOR THE QUANDIALLA B&S BALL, YES! IT'S HARNESS OYSTER!

Hugs all 'round. Source: Channel 10

Finally it's time for television's greatest regular eight minutes of watching beige paint dry, the Celebrity Chest. This time Joel and Frair-ie Flin-off must get a key out of a tree by stacking and climbing milk crates, which is everything you'd dreamt a milk-crate stacking and climbing challenge could be. If it wasn't for one or two instances of Joel falling and wedging his nuggets in a harness, I'd barely know I was alive.

The chocolate bikkie prize, donated by Carrie Bickmore, was not forthcoming after the celebrities get a question wrong.

MORE LIKE CARRIE BIKKIE-LESS, RIGHT GUYS?

Guys?

TRY THE VEAL.

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely


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