Iâ€™m A Celebrity ... whatâ€™s the rush?

Im A CelebrityGet Me Out Of Here! Tim Robards and Laura Dundovic Are Eliminated. Courtesy: Network Ten

I'M angry. I'm angrier than a five-foot ex-Hi-5 ball of angry muscle.

I want my celebrities to suffer, argue and dry-retch, not this borderline-day spa rubbish. I would like to remind producers of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here that their job is to actually make the celebrities want to get out of there, not to give them kittens, massages, sexy waterfalls and popcorn. Seriously, if I opened a Kitten, Massage, Sexy Waterfall And Popcorn Cafe, there'd be a queue around the block.

I mean, the most painful part of this episode's Tucker Trial was when Andrew Daddy Daddo offered Julia Morris a pair of hand-whittled chopsticks. She looked as proud as a mother whose child had just shown its first signs of literacy by writing its initials in its own faeces.

The rest of the trial consisted of Daddy Daddo and Anna being blindfolded and attempting to identify animals purely by feel or, as Richard Gere calls it: 'Saturday Night'.

I'm not angry that the animal wranglers chose to put giant snail on Andrew and Anna's faces (I'm delighted).

A facial ... with a difference. Source: Channel 10

I'm not angry that the giant snails were by far the most off-putting of all the animals they had to identify (I'm only mildly nauseated). I'm angry that instead of being repulsed, Anna announced that it felt like getting a facial, and that her reward for that was to hang out with the most scientifically cute animals in the entire world.

A cavalcade of meerkats, baby albino hedgehogs, hyena cubs, widdle pigwets, and the agreed universal symbol for adorable animals, lion cubs, were presented to the celebrities who were, even if I'm understating it, in raptures of ecstasy.

At one point Daddy Daddo even says "hey, buddy!" to a lion cub. Um, I'm sorry, but you're not supposed to say "hey, buddy!" in a Tucker Trial, you're supposed to say "I'm about to vomit and/or die".

I'm angry that somebody has stolen all of Lauren's clothing except her swimming cozzies.

I'm angry that Barry and Daddy Daddo have essentially stopped people from getting angry at dinner time. Celebrities getting angry is what makes this show interesting, after abdominal muscles and cow eyeballs. Tired of the constant advice of too many cooks spoiling too many impala and mutton broths, Baz and Daz enforce a rule that nobody can talk to the cooks or enter the kitchen zone unless it's their turn to be chef. Or unless Maureen wants to eat corn and have a chat.

I'm angry that, when Joel was given a camera in order to make an admittedly highly entertaining documentary about the camp, they cut the bit out where he dipped the selfie stick into the camp toilet long drop. I dunno, I just like any metaphor for reality television.

I'm angry that a frog can't just take a simple hop around a burbling stream these days without being carried away by a snake.

I'm less angry that for the Celebrity Chest challenge, vegetarian Maureen and wall-of-meat Tim had to feed animal off-cuts to a committee of vultures before picking through the leftover bones to solve a chest-opening puzzle, because that was gross and bizarre and unnecessary, and THAT'S how television should be (case in point: Toddlers And Tiaras).

The fact that they went through all that for a handful of Warwick Capper's popcorn makes me a little bit angry, but only because I didn't get any popcorn. Maureen's right, popcorn IS a magical food.

I could never be as angry as Anna is while she's watching partner Tim massage Laura Dundovic. Tim assures us that she's "happy to sit back and watch me treat other people" which is true, as long as "happy" means "about to rupture a capillary".

I'm also not as angry as Lauren is about being subjected to Tim and Anna's romantic waterfall displays on Valentine's Day, but then I'm not as angry as Lauren about anything. I'm not angry about Tim's romantic present of two stick figures holding hands painted on a rock, because I'm refusing to acknowledge that that even happened.

I'm actually delighted that, when campmates had to secretly slap heart-shaped stickers on Maureen's back in order to earn chocolates, that Maureen didn't bat an eyelid when she thought she was being burped like a baby. I vote Maureen McCormick for Eurovision, and you know I'm right.

I'm not angry that Laura and Tim have been eliminated, but I am a bit angry that Tim was being asked about how tough it was in the jungle when he's barely even had time to digest the breath mint he ate on the plane to South Africa.

I'll just have to take heart in the fact that could even become this show's subtitle: Nobody Is As Angry As Lauren.

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely