Merv Hughes is the ‘worst person’ in the jungle

Written By komlim puldel on Selasa, 17 Februari 2015 | 20.01

On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Merv Hughes and Freddie Flintoff In Celebrity Chest. Courtesy: Channel Ten

OKAY, so I think I understand the general running order of this show now. It goes like this:

Reminder of the voting process.

Live cross to the celebrities sitting down or, in special circumstances, standing up.

Reminder of the voting process.

Fleeting transitional footage of a spider.

A relatively slight comedian throwing bulk shade on an ex-cricketer.

Vomit, vomit, vomit.


Classic, classic reality television format.

A special note, though – this episode cannot be properly recapped without the use of a Very Bad Word, so for the duration, that Very Bad Word will be replaced by the phrase "fluffy dumptruck".

It all starts early in the morning. Julie knits calmly under a baboon. British newcomer Frair-ie Flin-off gazes with mild nausea upon Merv's naked upper torso. Merv insults humanity and reverses the flow of the universe by getting the timing of the beans and rice wrong.

Lookin' good, Merv Source: Supplied

Granted, he also insults Joel and Lauren by calling them "girl" and "woman" respectively, but I don't really understand those words being thought of as insults. Both of those things are almost always awesome.

Lauren rolls her eyes and reminds us that they've all asked Merv to stay away from cooking duty.

Chrissie and Joel roll their eyes and say they're embarrassed to be associated with him.

Lauren, not wishing to be out-angried, comments that he's the worst person here and should put his stomach away, rolling her eyes at his rolls.

The rice boils. The beans boil. Tempers boil. "Friendly" and "measured" "advice" is offered back and forth, until finally Merv cracks and shouts "OKAY, FLUFFY DUMPTRUCKING DO IT YOURSELF!".

Heated, relationship-ruining arguments continue – over the nuances of bean cookery, don't forget – until, rearing himself off his bunk like a majestic meerkat, Joel simply drops "Merv, I think I speak for all the camp with complete confidence when I say shut the fluffy dumptruck up".

Joel puts in his two cents. Source: Supplied

Merv is so humbled by Joel's calm putdown that he admits Joel is smarter than he is, and then spontaneously sprouts hair all over his entire body.

Mind you, while it may take BALLS to give LIP to Merv Hughes, it takes a lot more to SPRINGBOK STOMACH what comes next, am I right?

No, because see, Anna and Lauren had to eat balls, lips, and Springbok stomach for a challenge. They're puns. Come on, JOEL would've got that.

This is not good ... Source: Channel 10

The Tucker Trial is ostensibly about takeaway food, but realistically about filling cardboard boxes with whatever the producers can scrape off the bottom of abattoir-workers' boots. For meal-earning stars, Anna and Lauren must chew their way through a live maggot pizza, a springbok tripe burger, a chunk of buffalo lip, rat foot pasta, satay bushpig testicles and garden pest cake, washing it all down with that upchuck cocktail of legend: an actual fish milkshake.

What did she just swallow? Source: Channel 10

Let's be honest, after enough drinks we've all gotten closer than we'd like to some bushpig testicles, but Anna jumped on that thing like it was the last topaz brooch at a Julie Bishop costume party, and when Lauren ate the cockroach cake it was like watching The Exorcist in reverse. It was brave and glorious.

Winners are grinners ... Source: Channel 10

I reckon on the hike back to camp those girls might have left a few little telltale Hansel-and-Gretel puddles, though. Hrrrrrrg.

It's all in the facial expressions. Source: Channel 10

Happily some relief comes in the form of television's greatest regular eight minutes of monumental time-wasting: the Chest Challenge. In order to release some scone ingredients from their bondage inside a wooden box, Frair-ie Flin-off and Merv must scoop twenty-one live catfish from one tank to another using just their hands.

Give us a kiss ... Source: Channel 10

So, just to recap so far:

Massive argument about bean timing.

The ingestion of pig testicles.

Ex-cricketers transferring fish in a clearing for a box of scones.

This show is fluffy dumptrucking ridiculous, and I love it. Another truckful of psilocybin for the challenge producers please, stat.

Sure, a few more things happen in this episode, like Daddy Daddo's missus smuggling some contraband chocolate into camp in an air mattress, the Great Big Bag Of Farts On A Rope yielding the world's most flavourful and filling pork rib dinner, Anna not really even mentioning Tim once, and Lauren being angry at Merv, South Africa, and probably oxygen, but by far the most significant thing is there in front of us. Never far. Never stopping. Getting bigger every day.


Julie Goodwin is knitting something.

And lord alive, I hope it's a shirt for Merv.

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

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