Pitches for I’m A Celeb spin-off series

Written By komlim puldel on Rabu, 04 Februari 2015 | 20.01

We'd be this happy if we just jumped out of a pit of elephant poo, too. Source: Channel 10

THAT smell, ladies and gentlemen, is a mixture of fish guts and friction.

Fish guts, of course, from a big tank full of fish guts.

And friction? Surprisingly not from Merv Hughes' well-combed shoulder hair rubbing against the camp bedding, but from TENSION.

FINALLY we're getting side-eyes and bitchy feelings and failure and resentment.

I LOVE THAT STUFF.

I can also smell quite a few spin-off TV series, to be honest, and I'm certain one of them will be picked up.

"Laura Done-as-little-as-possible-dovic". Picture: Channel 10 Source: Channel 10

Maureen McCormick ... tougher than we thought. Picture: Channel 10 Source: Channel 10

SPIN-OFF SERIES: CAMP CRAPPER CONFESSIONAL with LAUREEN McDUNDOMICK.

After being covered over gently in the middle of the night by Caring Daddy Daddo, Maureen and Laura are up at dawn's crack to have a whispered chat in the toilet. Laura's concerned about the upcoming trial and considers leaving, but Maureen tells her to speak her heart, because Maureen is now loved by more Australians than EVEN the prime minister (still Tony Abbott at the time of writing, sorry Maureen).

SPIN-OFF SERIES: LET'S GET MERVTIVATED

On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Merv's a new man. Courtesy Channel Ten.

Merv Hughes has an uncharacteristically frenzied burst of motivation — he cooks, he soaks, he combs, he hugs, he raises rocks above his head.

SPIN-OFF SERIES: CRAFT CLUB REPRAZENT with CARING DADDY DADDO

On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Andrew's craft club. Courtesy Channel Ten.

Chrissie has the sads. Joel is missing his boyfriend and is bummed out by beans. Everyone's a bit flat.

There's only one thing that will cheer the camp up: a sheltered craft sweatshop run by Andrew, fast becoming my favourite of over six hundred Daddo brothers.

The camp denizens try their hand at almost three different types of craft, two of which are whittling, and even make up a hand signal in the shape of two Cs to represent 'Craft Club', or accidentally corn chips. Remember in high school when you used to make up gang signs for your craft club? Nope.

SPIN-OFF SERIES: PARTIAL FAECES MANICURES with LAURA DONE-NOTHING-DOVIC

On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Laura Dundovic And Maureen McCormick In The Pits. Courtesy Channel Ten.

Eventually it's time for the 'In The Pits' trial, and Team Laureen McDundomick exits camp through a supportive tunnel of, coincidentally, the other celebrities' armpits towards something even more malodorous and flyblown.

They encounter three tanks, each more throat-pulsingly vomitous than the last, looking for all the world like a row of toilets in a shopping centre food court at closing time. There's meal-earning stars in them thar pits, and both Laura and Maureen must fish them out. Get it? Because one of the tanks is full of fish guts. WORDPLAY.

Except that Laura is afraid of fish. And also afraid, it would seem, of doing stuff.

Maureen goggles up, holds her nose, fully submerges herself in half-digested animal kingdom muck, and retrieves three stars.

Laura puts half a hand in one tank, opts out of everything else, and still manages to garner eight subsequent hours of sympathy.

SPIN-OFF SERIES: THE GIRL WHO REJECTED MY MEDIUM RARE IMPALA with JOEL CREASEY

On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Chrissie, Joel and Laura Are Finding It Tough. Courtesy Channel Ten.

In the meantime, Maureen is now loved by more Australians than EVEN Monte Carlo biscuits (but not Tim Tams, sorry Maureen).

The others are diplomatic about the disappointingly low star haul, and in a scene that could be used to teach primary school children about how unfair life is, the phrase "poor Laura" echoes across camp while Maureen literally washes excrement out of her hair.

But enough of follicular faeces. There's celebrity chests to find! That's right, Australia's favourite three minutes of pointless labour is BACK, and this time it's Grant Denyer's marshmallows, a welcome change from Kyle Sandiland's unused swatter.

Laren and Tyson, the camp's most buff nuggets, fill a thing with water and then another thing and there's a key and a question about Paul Simon, and ... look, the campers don't win. Viewers win a little bit though, as the two adorable balls of gristle carry the big wooden box into the clearing as Tyson shouts "We've got a chest!".

Yes you do, Tyson. Damn, son. You make objectification FUN.

At dinner time, the Great Big Bag Of Farts On A Rope yields a disappointing chunk of ruminant and some veggies that Joel manages to turn in to a stir-fry-slash-cabaret. This pleases Poor Laura so much that she assumes the foetal position on a bunk and refuses to eat. Poor Laura. Not doing anything or eating anything is really hard, you guys.

SPIN-OFF SERIES: SCORPIONS ON MY PENIS, THE BARRY HALL STORY

Finally Julia and Chris arrive to announce the viewer-voted unlucky sap for tomorrow's challenge, called 'Danger Down Under', a phrase I'm sure I saw printed on the front of a pair boxer shorts in an airport souvenir shop.

It's Barry's turn for the trial tomorrow, and Chrissie guesses that the challenge will involve scorpions being attached to Barry's genitals.

Seriously, who wouldn't watch that?

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely


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