Real Housewives: ‘What does this b*tch have?’

Written By komlim puldel on Minggu, 22 Februari 2015 | 20.01

The birds are back: Gamble Breaux, Chyka Keebaugh, Jackie Gillies, Gina Liano, Lydia Schiavello, Janet Roach, Pettifleur Berenger. Source: News Corp Australia

REAL Housewives of Melbourne is back, with ribbon-twirling, terrified housekeepers and a love triangle involving a pig, all in the first episode. But is new Housewife Gamble hiding a scandalous secret?

Strap yourselves in, folks: the second season of Real Housewives of Melbourne is off and away.

But before we get stuck in, we need to pour one out for a dearly departed homie. Yes, we're talking about Andrea, the nanny-terrorising, list-making aspiring self-help mogul who, after being crucified for her shady antics last season, wisely decided not to return for another round of Real Housewives.

Every show needs a villain and truth be told, Andrea played the role perfectly. Joni Mitchell was right: you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Andrea, we hope you're in a better place (Actually, we know you are — you're in Toorak).

Both new Housewives have successfully completed the mandatory pre-season short course on sassy hand-on-hip posing. Source: Supplied

Housewifekeeping out of the way, on to season two … And the Housewives each have a cringe-worthy new opening title catchphrase!

The most perplexing of the lot has to be Gina's "I deal in fact … NOT friction," which makes us wonder if she's gunning for a lucrative personal lubricant sponsorship.

We get our first glimpse of the two new improbably-monikered Housewives, who both use their opening credit sequences to dabble in wordplay worthy of Shakespeare himself:

Gamble Breaux: "Gamble on me, and you're SURE to win." BECAUSE HER NAME IS GAMBLE DO YOU SEE?!?!

Pettifleur Berenger: "THIS little flower is NO shrinking violet." BECAUSE HER NAME IS FLEUR DO YOU SEE?!?!

Housewives introduced, the season starts with a catch-up lunch for Jackie, Chyka and Jackie — whose crimped hair is giving us a real J-Lo vibe.

You just KNOW there's a bottle or two of La Mascara secreted in her handbag. Source: Supplied

Jackie's stunned that the other two ladies are looking so svelte, complimenting them both on their between-season weight loss.

What's their secret? Lydia says she's refined her eating habits lately but she still averages "eight coffees a day". For a woman who — and you'll forgive us for making this assumption — probably has no real need to get out of bed before about 2pm, that's an awful lot of caffeine.

Before long, Lydia's on to her trademark sex talk (YASSSS). Chyka says eight coffees a day would make her heart pound, to which Lydia responds "My heart's used to getting pounded." (You're definitely doing sex wrong, Lydia).

When Jackie suggests they start their meal off with a tequila shot — it being, ooh, I don't know, 10am — Lydia has another drink in mind:

We're barely two minutes into the new season and Lydia's already working blue. How long until she mounts a helicopter? Source: Supplied

Oh Lydia, we've missed that razzed-up spirit of yours. You make Fifty Shades of Grey look like a Mother and Son marathon.

Janet soon phones in to the lunch from her Porsche, telling the girls she's been spending some time with a man named Carlos, who Chyka imagines is probably "Italian, suave, naughty, a bit of fun — right up Janet's alley." Without friction, we hope.

Janet's called in to tell the girls she's having a birthday party, and while she's inviting the rest of the Housewives, she's reticent about inviting Gina given their 'frenemy' status. AND WE'RE OFF. They'll be throwing around pearlers like 'lower your testosterone' and 'insignificant arse hair' before the episode is out, mark my words.

An aside: Janet's been set up weirdly in her first chat-to-camera of the season — rather than talking to an unseen interviewer just off camera, she looks right down the barrel of the lens. It's a little disconcerting — like watching a RealDoll in a hostage video.

"Pls send help". Source: Supplied

Janet's off to meet up with the Carlos over lunch. Is he an improvement on the leather necklace-wearing dude she hooked up with last season? We'll let you be the judge.

We swear we tried to take a flattering screenshot. Source: Supplied

Turns out Carlos and Janet aren't dating — yet. He's actually helping her organise her birthday party, but he's got some bad news: they're going to have to change the venue. She's not happy, but Carlos diffuses the situation by complimenting the eternally up-for-it Janet on her "beauty, depth and intelligence." She may have a bit of a thing for this younger man, but don't worry guys — she totally plays it cool in the face of his flirting.

*jaw unhinges* Source: Supplied

Back at lunch with the girls, Lydia hops on the phone to make sure her personal assistant is managing her big assignment for the day: buying shampoo.

"Go and buy your own bloody shampoo!" Jackie From The Block barks.

"I don't have time," Lydia shrugs, as her weekday lunch approaches its fourth hour.

To be fair, Lydia's got a busy day ahead of her: She's got to take her dog Figaro — the most pampered yet miserable soul this side of Britney Spears — to an appointment.

"What, to buy him a dress?" Jackie says.

"EWW, dress? He's not gay," Lydia scoffs, alienating approximately 99 per cent of the Real Housewives fanbase in an instant.

"I mean, I LOVE gay," she corrects herself, "but he's not."

"I love gay" is probably our favourite syntax-free Lydia-ism since "Are they pant?" Great save, Lydia — you'll have your own Mardi Gras float before you know it.

Continuing her preparty prep, Janet visits her hairdresser, Patrick, who's looking a little … different to last season. Like, 'Growing out my Posh Spice bob, don't wanna talk about it' different.

Would you trust this man to cut your hair? Source: Supplied

While Patrick attends to her hair, ignoring his own, Janet calls Gina to invite her to the party.

Ah, Gina. Our first glimpse of this olive-skinned lioness, some 16 minutes into the episode, is a classic. It appears the producers have dropped her off somewhere in Melbourne's outer suburbs solely so they can film her while she struts her stuff next to a shop awning emblazoned with a sign saying 'The bitch is back.' #symbolism #miseenscene

For this shot alone, give Real Housewives ALL THE LOGIES. Source: Supplied

Gina's catching up with her sister Bettina, having just got back from Los Angeles where she's been visiting her Geographically Impossible Partner, Dean. She drops a bombshell: she's planning on moving to LA (at this very moment, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills feel a collective chill down their avian spines).

Chatting to her sister, Gina makes an off-the-cuff joke about Janet's upcoming birthday being her 85th. We know how this show works now, so let us make a little season two finale prediction: Janet and Gina will argue at length about whether Gina really called Janet old in episode one, as the other Housewives watch on disinterestedly, waiting for their respective book deals to be finalised. In the car park outside, Andrea will loiter with intent before being moved on by security.

As her party preparations continue, Janet pops into a cake shop. Surrounded by dozens upon dozens of cakes, she informs the owner that she's planning a birthday party. His sincere response is perhaps the best line of the episode:

"DON'T TELL ME! You need a cake."

Watch out Jackie Gillies, your position as RHOM's resident psychic may be under threat.

"I'm sorry Janet, we don't sell cakes here … TRICK! Oh, I crack me up. What's it like outside? I've never left this shop." Source: Supplied

Sitting down to discuss what sort cake Janet should order for her birthday, the baker uses all his best upselling techniques to flog Janet the most expensive creation he possibly can, literally scoffing in her face when she meekly asks how much it will all cost.

Her response to this heavy-handed salesmanship? A slightly desperate, "Would YOU like to come to my party?"

Janet, you're breaking our hearts.

It's party time, and the Housewives travel in pairs to the big event. In Jackie and Chyka's car, the mood is buoyant, with the pair caught up in a cacophony of girl-talk and clinking champagne glasses. Over in Gina and Lydia's car, the atmosphere is … frostier.

*tumbleweed* **but, like, a really fancy tumbleweed with rhinestones and a fake tan** Source: Supplied

After what feels like about three years of increasingly tense silence, these two old friends break the ice.

Gina: "How's [husband] Andrew?"

Lydia: "He's goo-"

Gina: "WELL I heard you two separated. From two different sources. Independently. THREE, actually."

Lydia: "NUP."

We would have no qualms about jumping from this moving vehicle and rolling under the nearest bus. Sweet relief.

At the party, Janet announces that a new Housewife, Gamble, will be joining the fun.

"Her real name is Gamble, she's had it since birth, she IS a real person," Janet insists, helpfully nipping any scurrilous 'Gamble-is-actually-a-Roomba-in-a-wig' gossip in the bud before it even starts.

So, here's how we're introduced to Gamble Breaux. She lives in Mount Eliza, where she spends her days:

a) Sprawled on a rug in front of her fireplace grooming her teacup Pomeranian:

DREAM LYF Source: Supplied

b) Practicing her ribbon-twirling (it's a real sport, haters back off) by the pool:

DREAM. GODDAMN. LYF Source: Supplied

c) Chilling on her yacht with the elderly eye surgeon squeeze she met on E-Harmony:

She bagged a surgeon with a yacht? Last time we met a guy off the internet we had our own episode of Catfish Source: Supplied

During this intro package — the fabulousness of which will only truly be understood by future generations studying the greatest achievements of the 21st century — Gamble reveals she used to be a model in Singapore. As mysterious backstories go, this is up there with Regina George's "I hear she does car commercials in Japan".

Back to reality. Gamble rocks up at the party and immediately puts her foot in it with Jackie when she asks how long she's been working as a psychic: "Twelve years? Oh, I thought you were just mucking around!"

Jackie takes the dis well, mind you.

"Some of the other ladies might not like her straightforwardness, but you know … life's one big Gamble." Season two drinking game: Do a shot every time somebody awkwardly shoehorns a 'Gamble' pun into a sentence. Be sure to pre-book your ambulance.

Next, Janet heralds Gina's arrival at the party with the following announcement: "Ohhhh, attention everyone! Stage right! Drag queen has entered the building!"

Gamble's response suggests she's got a lot to learn about this show.

Yeah that's the point, babes. Source: Supplied

Gamble and Gina start chatting, and — surprise, surprise — they instantly get on.

"Gina is so gorgeous! If I was gay I'd turn for her," Gamble gushes. Wait, so if you were a lesbian you'd turn straight for her? This is confusing.

We're then introduced to the second new housewife, Pettifleur, who's depicted in her introduction package standing on her balcony high above Melbourne, sipping from an antique teacup and plotting world domination like some sort of campy Batman villain.

"One day, all this will be mine. First against the wall: anyone who doesn't like my snakeskin coat." Source: Supplied

Pettifleur was born in Sri Lanka and came to Australia as a teenager, carving out a successful career in property development. She lives in a swanky Collins Street penthouse with her partner, her sons, and — wait a minute! Could this be?

Who'd going to launch the Kickstarter to free Leah from Pettifleur's penthouse? Source: Supplied

YES!

The part of 'put-upon housekeeper' in Real Housewives season two will apparently be played by Pettifleur's harangued houseslave, Leah. Or, as Pettifleur calls her, as if summoning a disobedient pet: "LE-ARRR! LE-ARRR! LE-ARRR!"

Back at Janet's party, Pettifleur makes quite the entrance — and she knows it. Here's how she sizes up the other Housewives:

"I know they're all thinking: What does this fabulous bitch have?"

Making small talk with her new pals, Pettifleur fills Jackie and Gina in on her background: While Sri-Lankan born, she's also got Swiss, Dutch and Portuguese heritage.

"So, what language do you actually speak?" Jackie asks the woman she's been speaking English to all evening.

Pettifleur, stony-faced: "English."

Jackie appears confused.

"Don't say Zimbabwe, don't say Zimbabwe" Source: Supplied

Party over, the episode finishes with a scene that seems more suited to Twin Peaks than Real Housewives. The next day, Janet meets Carlos for a little day-date in the park, where he's walking his … dog? Guess again.

Carlos tenderly caresses Janet's competition. Source: Supplied

Carlos is the proud owner of a giant pet pig, who he's dressed rather saucily in a feathered, flapper-style headband. Ignoring horrified looks from passers by who just don't understand their love, Carlos whispers tender words in his companion-swine's ear.

"Gorgeous girl … you're looking like a real lady today."

Carlos just got a LOT more interesting.

Janet tries not to look shocked that her date with Carlos comes with a big side of bacon, but her resolve is tested when he casually drops into the conversation that he and his four-legged lady friend usually sleep in the same bed.

But Janet doesn't have time to contemplate a polyamorous relationship involving a 1920s jazz-pig — she's got bigger issues on her mind. Namely, she's finding it hard to move past some "not very nice gossip" she's heard about Gamble's mysterious past.

"Mmm, I've heard many stories about Gamble," Carlos confirms.

The words 'Singapore modelling career' suddenly sound rather sinister …

Next week: Janet confronts Gamble about the 'many stories' she's heard.

Gina, Jackie, Chyka, Janet, Lydia, Gamble and Petit Fleur in Sydney. Source: News Corp Australia

Real Housewives of Melbourne airs every Sunday, 8.30pm on Arena. Check back as soon as episodes air each week for our full recap.

In the meantime, join our recapper Nick Bond on Twitter (@bondnickbond) to workshop how we can emancipate Pettifleur's poor housekeeper. #freeleah


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