This was the sexiest episode ever of I’m A Celeb

Tonight's episode of I'm A Celebrity ... was particularly sexy, thanks in part to this guy. Source: Channel 10

I DON'T know about you, but I noticed a distinct lack of jungle drums on telly tonight.

Because, unless I'm no longer able to recognise extremely sexy episodes of reality television, the drums were replaced with the mating call of the native erotic bass guitar.

It's the boom-chika-wow-wow episode of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

And in a sexy episode, everything sounds sexy.

Chrissie is getting ever more adept at stoking the fire (oh yeah).

Tim and Anna wake from an intimate embrace to greet another day as chiselled Siamese twins (yes, yes, YES!).

Maureen starts to recognise the sounds a monkey makes (how YOU doin'?).

And Daddy Daddo tells Merv that having a baboon pee on you is good luck (oh, ew, never mind).

Of course, if Twitter and my heart rate are to be believed, by far the sexiest bit was yet to come — Tyson's Temple Tucker Trial, which had a lot of alliteration and barely any need for shirts.

Well, it's less of a temple than a big fibreglass chamber of writhing, hissing, defecating dangerous animals with a few muck-encrusted stars mixed in, but this is television, where artistic licence is currency.

As Julia and Dr Chris explain, the mildly claustrophobic Tyson has five minutes to wander around the tiny, pitch-black cave, feeling around the walls, floor, and dangly bits (oh yeah), around snakes, spiders, rats, maggots, and a massive python (phwoar) to find the stars. Julia warns Tyson that it will be spiky, slimy, bitey, creepy, crawly, slithery, and presumably the other dwarf.

Obviously he has to do all of this shirtless. This is no Hungry Hungry Hippos, ladies and gentlemen. This is Abby Abby Ab Abs. And if the editors of this recap like me at all, now would be a good time for a photograph of a naked torso, I reckon.

Figured we couldn't leave you with just one. Source: Channel 10

Loud and clear, Jo. Source: Channel 10

Need a wipe? Source: Channel 10

Full body Tyson. Source: Channel 10

Damn, son.

Tyson is barely in the cave two seconds when a massive snake hisses at him, causing him to shout "OH SH-" just before an ad break prevents him from finishing with "oosh, I've just come to take your stars, you silly python".

What a silly python.

Tyson wanders around with eyes and mouth wide open, looking for all the world like the kind of doll you don't find at Toys R Us, shouting hugely suggestive phrases just to maintain the intense sexiness.

"SOMETHING JUST TOOK A MASSIVE DUMP DOWN MY PANTS!" he cries. Um, that was probably you, Tyson.

"THAT'S A MASSIVE PYTHON!". Yeah. You again, doll.

"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING, COME ON!" he exclaims. Look I don't think anyone will mind if you just go through the motions regardless, honestly.

He emerges with his lacklustre booty, exclaiming that he got 'five stars in an infested cave', and everyone just assumes he's practising for the Logies.

He's gutted, but he still has his shirt off, so the real winner is everyone.

Lauren isn't happy, though, because Merv won't let her ask everyone a riddle uninterrupted, and

Daddy Daddo already knows the answer.

Mind you, Lauren isn't happy most of the time. She can sure fit a lot of anger into her teeny frame. It's like when they made The Hulk there was a little bit left over that nobody wanted to waste.

Lauren Brant, annoyed by everything. Source: Supplied

Yep. She's really not happy. Source: Supplied

Continuing the theme of carnal coupling, Tim and Anna wander down to their romantic little spot on the bridge and lie together for eight to twelve hours, making gooey eyes and chitchat at each other.

Lauren isn't happy about that.

Suddenly, in a challenge probably not driven by product placement, but seemingly more secret than eleven secret herbs and spices, Daddy Daddo must round all the blokes up into the Tok-Tokkie (which is Afrikaans for 'Big Brother diary room') without the girls knowing.

It's less sexy than sexist, and then just gets weird, as those with Y chromosomes head off in the middle of the night to another camp for a sleepover. The only differences between this campsite and the other one are a leather couch, a metric crapload of KFC and beer, and the absence of a small, intensely angry Hi-5 performer.

Lauren isn't happy about that.

In the morning, when the gentlemen and Merv return, they tell marvellous, well-received tales of

their comparative luxury and copious chicken-fat.

Lauren isn't happy about that.

In fact, the only thing Lauren seems happy about is escaping the next Tucker Trial, the onus being on Anna and Debut Daddy Daddo in his first challenge EVER, finally, oh wow, at last. At last he'll have a chance to show some skills that aren't whittling or an unsettlingly encyclopedic knowledge of Brady Bunch episodes.

It's only going to get more dramatic and unbelievably sexy as we're promised a double eviction and two new intruders.

The biggest surprise, though, will be finding out how Lauren feels about that.

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

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