We didn’t expect this on I’m A Celebrity

On I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Anna Heinrich Breaks Down. Courtesy: Channel Ten

Losing it ... Anna Heinrich had a meltdown in the Tok Tokkie over not being able to show her affections for Tim Robards. Source: Channel 10

THIS show is a roller-coaster, I tell you, a ROLLER-COASTER.

And not one of those fun ones, either — one of those roller-coasters covered in mildew on fire in a crater filled with wild dogs. You just don't know what to expect, but you know it's going to be uncomfortable.

Okay sure, I expected to see people sleeping and kind of sitting around. I expected Anna and Tim, who I'm calling 'The Perfect Matchelor', to be vomitously cloying. I expected the Celebrity Chest challenge, which I'm calling 'Eight And A Half Minutes Of Beige Paint Drying Unexpectedly Slowly', to be marginally more interesting than just staring at the wall before it was even painted.

But there were still some significant surprises in this episode.

For example, I did not expect Anna and Tim's self-imposed twenty-percent-fewer-cuddles-than-usual to cause such desperate, racking sobs on her part and such desperate, racking chin-ups on his part.

It's nice that they're being considerate of the other campers by reigning in their affection. Tim even says that he doesn't want to 'make it hard' for everyone, which admittedly is a very hard thing to not make a joke about. But feeling sympathy for a couple who can't realise their full coupledom because their celebrity is based on being a couple is like feeling sorry for Kim Kardashian because she only gets her buttocks out once a year. Twice, max.

"I just know how hard it is for everyone else (missing loved ones) and I'm really lucky I have Tim." Source: Channel 10

"I do feel a bit of pressure to be separate from him," Heinrich says, barely able to speak. Source: Channel 10

I did not expect Chrissie and Joel to emerge as the far more endearing celebrity couple. They are the Waldorf and Statler of this particular Muppet Show, and the zingers pour out of them like adorable blended cockroaches out of a cocktail shaker.

Anyone who watches The Perfect Matchelor cavorting in a sunlit South African stream and comments "What are they talking about, kale?" is welcome in our jungle-that's-really-a-veldt anytime.

I did not expect that a pair of sticks could be transformed so deftly by Andrew Daddo into a pair of chopsticks, just by chopping away at them a bit. They should call them like 'chopsticks' or something.

I did not expect to come back from an ad break to see Dr Chris and Julia Morris holding hyena puppies. But of course now that I've seen it, it makes perfect logical sense.

I certainly did not expect Laura and Lauren to complete a challenge with full points, being totally supportive of each other the whole time. The challenge, called 'Blood Sweat And Cheers' takes place in a makeshift bar, where the girls must down a total of five cocktails that have been mixed using ingredients sourced from the skip bin out the back of the veterinary hospital in Hell. From pureed cockroaches to chunky meal worms to crocodile feet to fermented blood yoghurt, these drinks would make a trainee barman on the Gold Coast during schoolies week gag.

Mmm. Gristle. Source: Supplied

Laura Dundovic's Tucker Trial redemption. Source: Supplied

Former Hi-5 entertainer Lauren Brant and Dundovic won 11 stars — meaning 11 meals — for the jungle camp. Source: Supplied

Mind you, until you've seen a tiny lady from Hi 5 chew up a mouthful of cow-eye gristle and vitreous humour, you just haven't seen humour. Surprisingly few of the Tweets that made it on screen during the challenge had a #paleo hashtag, though. Weird.

I did not expect to find quite this much delightful irony in the fact that the two men old enough to have salt-and-pepper hair, Merv and Daddy Daddo, would be sent on a Celebrity Chest challenge for which the prize was actual salt and pepper. Moreover, I did not expect them to have so much trouble solving the ladder-climbing puzzle in order to reach the key to the chest, but to be fair I still have no idea how the ladder-climbing puzzle was supposed to work.

Far more importantly though, I did not expect to see middle-aged men abseiling back down a ladder in very unforgiving crotch-harnesses. Talk about cow-eye gristle, right gents?

Unrelated to unforgiving crotch-harnesses, a massive sausage and some vegetables arrive for dinner in the Great Big Bag Of Farts On A Rope, making Lauren and Laura the unmitigated heroes of the camp.

Finally, I did not expect that Laura would be publicly voted in for yet another Tucker Trial. Now that she's a fully-rounded three-dimensional hero, will she still be interesting?

I have so many new questions every time I watch this show.

Can Andrew Daddo survive just on chopstick-whittling and nobody voting him into challenges?

Can Maureen stop doing laundry?

Will Merv continue to lose weight, looking more and more like a frayed hessian bag half-filled with sand?

Crucially, though, will this weird craving I have for a gin martini garnished with marinated impala testicles ever go away?

Jo Thornely doesn't get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely

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