Housewives shock: ‘It’s a real mongrel of a woman’

Real Housewives of Melbourne: Gamble Breaux, Chyka Keebaugh, Jackie Gillies, Gina Liano, Lydia Schiavello, Janet Roach, Pettifleur Berenger. Source: News Corp Australia

LAST week's return episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne closed on an ominous note, with Janet revealing she's been hearing some scandalous gossip about new housewife Gamble around the traps. Is Gamble's past as a 'model in Singapore' coming back to haunt her? Read on to find out …

As episode two kicks off we're with Pettifleur, who's visiting a luxury car dealership as she's got her eye on a Bentley for her 50th birthday. Unfortunately, before poor salesman Srecko can close the deal, he's going to have to endure some particularly weak housewife schtick.

"Please tell me, where do I put my Chanel?" she humblebrags, brandishing her designer purse, as Srecko smiles weakly.

Srecko, seen here praying for a sudden airbag deployment. Source: Supplied

"Well, you can put it on the seat next to you. In fact, you can put it anywhere in the car," he explains patiently.

"OK, let me take a look at myself in the mirror. [Admiring own beauty] "Oh wow! Can you put mirrors on the floor too so I can just check myself out while I'm driving?"

"I asked Srecko If I could put mirrors on the floor, so while I'm driving, I could check out my landing strip! Because I go commando!"

OK, just dial it down a notch please Pettifleur. Let's have another look at poor Srecko, his professional facade fading as Pettifleur's prolonged verbal molestation wears on:

Death of a salesman. Source: Supplied

As the pair cruise around Melbourne in the extravagantly showy vehicle, Pettifleur sums up her love for the car — and really, this could be her motto for the whole season:

"You might look stupid, but you certainly don't feel stupid."

Before we can find out if Srecko made the sale, we're whisked over to Lydia's house, where she's canoodling with her pampered-yet-eternally-terrified pooch, Figaro.

Like anyone forced to live with Lydia Schiavello, Figaro spends his days searching for soft furnishings to cower behind. Don't worry though — like a blood-hungry Xenomorph hunting Ellen Ripley, Lydia always manages to track down her special little guy:

"The vet assures me that this 'ears flat, tail between legs' stance means he's entirely comfortable in my presence" Source: Supplied

"Figaro is as smoochy and delicious as ever," Lydia announces, dressing the wretched animal up in a variety of silly outfits like they're in a teen-movie fashion montage. Figaro is having NONE OF IT:

Just bite her, Figaro. No-one would judge you for it. Source: Supplied

Fashion parade over, Figaro scurries back behind the nearest throw pillow. We give it one more episode before this poor mutt learns how to dial a telephone and calls Gina for urgent advice re: legal emancipation.

Just loving life. Source: Supplied

Next we're at Gamble's Mount Eliza manor, because she's got dog problems of her own. Her teacup Pomeranian, Cash, is a bit of a handful, so she's booked the services of a professional dog trainer for the day.

His name's Brad, and — if you'll excuse us for getting all 'Lydia' on you — he's a ginger-bearded bit o' scruff that anyone, be they canine or human, would happily roll over and beg for on command:

Hey Brad you can house-train OUR Pomeranian if you know what we mean #sexytalk #nailedit Source: Supplied

As Gamble details Cash's bad behaviour, Brad sweeps the hyperactive dog into his arms, whereupon it immediately puts his finger in its mouth and holds on for dear life. Umm, stop stealing all our best moves, Cash.

After Brad leaves (noooooo), Gamble cooks a meal for her partner Rick and his son Luke — but not before macking on with Rick while her poor awkward teen stepson has to sit at the dinner table like this:

Just look at the floor until it's all over, kiddo. Source: Supplied

Gamble and Rick are planning a murder mystery party for the other housewives, so the following day we follow Janet, Jackie and Pettifleur as they trek to a costume shop in search of outfits.

The theme of the evening is 'witches', so naturally, the girls flock straight for the hot-pink, norks-out corsets.

While the other ladies select their outfits with a minimum of fuss, it soon becomes apparent that Pettifleur is very particular about her needs — and not shy about enlisting the shop assistant to cater to her every whim.

"I'm already unhappy with her attitude," Janet moans. "She treats people like they're slaves."

"I think [the shop assistant] wanted to throttle her over the head with a witch hat," says Jackie, which makes absolutely no sense at all but ten points for trying.

Emerging from her change room in an ensemble that looks like it would've been rejected by the Pussycat Dolls for being 'a little tacky', Pettifleur inexplicably begins twerking in the middle of the shop:

Britney Spears' 2045 Oops … I Did It Yet Again tour, coming to an RSL near you Source: Supplied

Janet's reaction sums up the prevailing mood of the nation:

*screams internally* Source: Supplied

Afterwards, the Housewives split up for separate lunches: Pettifleur meets with Lydia, who immediately informs her that her fly is undone. Considering Pettifleur's noted distaste for underwear, we can safely assume that this is a lady who likes to feel the wind beneath her wings.

In a restaurant across town, Gamble, Chyka, Jackie and Janet gather, and talk soon turns to Pettifleur — whose name we've noticing Jackie always pronounces very gingerly and deliberately, like she's that little girl in the Yoplait ad saying 'Petit Miam'.

The girls all agree they haven't yet gotten to know Pettifleur (it's French for yum) well enough to form a solid opinion about her. That is, all except Janet.

"I have honestly to say [just FYI, this is our favourite Janet word-jumble since last season's 'Even he can play the harmonica?'], I don't like her. I don't like people treating people like they're staff."

Floodgates open, the girls compare their dirt on Pettifleur: She didn't grow up in Melbourne. No-one's really heard of her before. SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE. OMG guys, we should like totally run off on her during recess!

Janet has the final say, revealing that she's done an extensive background check on this SO-CALLED Pettifleur (who rumour has it is actually a squirming mass of crayfish posing as a human woman, I mean how can we really know for sure?):

"I do not know one single person — and this is rare — that has any idea who Pettifleur is, or even that knows the name. So, OK: WHO THE F**K IS PETTIFLEUR?"

Eternally vanilla Chyka does not cope well with this truthbomb:

"Would anybody like to talk about luxury homewares" Source: Supplied

But don't worry about Pettifleur — she gives as good as she gets. Over at lunch with Lydia, she's offering up her thoughts on Gamble:

"She's not that bright. She's dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. I think her style is just a bit of a train wreck. Less plastic surgery would be good. Maybe a little bit of meat on her body, too — she's too bony."

Real Housewives of Melbourne: essential feminist text.

Sensing Pettifleur could happily wax lyrical about Gamble's failings for several days, Lydia changes tack.

"You have this very unusual…. [*gestures wildly at face*] LOOK, which I love. Is it Indian?"

"No," Pettifleur answers, this clearly not the first time she's had to explain to a white person that she doesn't hail from Persia, Siam or the forest moon of Endor.

"There's actually Swiss, Dutch, Portuguese and Sinhalese."

Lydia, to camera: "It's a real mongrel of a woman!"

Just let that soak in for a second.

IT'S A REAL MONGREL OF A WOMAN.

We haven't seen someone on Australian TV so cheerfully unaware of their own offensiveness since Daryl Somers jovially introduced a group of dropkicks in blackface on Hey, Hey, It's Saturday.

Having been called a mongrel at lunch, Pettifleur's day can surely only get better, so she invites Gina over for a catch-up in her penthouse. A quick look around the premises reveals that, like many of us, Pettifleur once thought it would be a good idea to get her photo taken in a shopping centre glamour modelling studio:

Serving fierce Tia Carrere in Wayne's World realness. Source: Supplied

As the two get to chatting, Pettifleur reveals that — like every Real Housewife who has ever walked the earth — she's hungry for a book deal.

"I'm writing a book, because I think there are a lot of crazy bitches out there that need to be helped," she says. "My book is called Switch the Bitch; it's about switching the inner bitch."

Pettifleur then offers a garbled, confusing synopsis of her book, which essentially sounds like 40,000-odd words musing on the fact that 'bitch' rhymes with 'switch'.

From what we can surmise, she's writing Green Eggs and Ham for women of a certain age with serious behavioural problems.

"It was … difficult to get an idea from Pettifleur on the concept of the book," Gina says, tactfully.

"I think it's something about bitches."

At a restaurant across town, Gamble and her E-Harmony boyf Rick are having dinner. Rick launches into a rambling monologue about all the romantic times they've had together that ends with … a marriage proposal. Gamble says yes. It's all very lovely, but nobody throws a glass of wine or drops a C-bomb, so you'll forgive us for moving swiftly along to something more interesting.

They do take a moment to celebrate the engagement, though, with Gamble mounting Rick and going for it LITERALLY hammer and tong right there at the table. It's just a real treat for the surrounding diners.

Admit it Gamble, you're thinking of Brad the dog trainer. No? Just us? Source: Supplied

In the car on the way to Gamble's murder mystery party, Chyka says that she's enjoyed watching the public reaction to the two new Housewives' bizarre names since they were announced. Chyka, just wait until you meet season three housewives Tangerine Pennyfarthing and Chux Seuaxpa-Wipe.

The ladies arrive at the party in full fancy-dress garb — and Janet's interpretation of the 'witch' theme suggests she attended the Judith Durham School of Wicca and Sorcery:

The carnival is over, Janet. Source: Supplied

The girls all settle in around the table for a long dinner — which Pettifleur soon hijacks. First by twerking — YES, AGAIN — to the general indifference of everyone present, and then by launching into her book pitch.

"Oh my god, another Toorak socialite writing a book, just what the world needs," remarks Gamble, who pulls this face as Pettifleur once again struggles to explain the idea behind her future bestseller in even the simplest of terms:

It's like Marie Antoinette and the Blackboard from Mr Squiggle had a baby. Source: Supplied

You're all grown-ups, so we're not going to spare you from this slow-motion car crash. Here's Pettifleur's book pitch to the table, in full:

"The name of the book is Switch the Bitch. It's about taking control of your emotions, switching off the erratic behaviour, and learning to, um, take control of your emotions. It's about switching the inner bitch. This book is about … no, it's not about somebody else. Then I give you an example of how you would act in a different way where you take fully control of yourself, ownership of your thought processes, and your emotions. It's about taking …"

We'll have to stop you there Pettifleur, we've got Harper Collins on line one!

At this point, Gina decides to salvage the rapidly floundering party by using the murder mystery props for comedy purposes. BLESS YOU GINA.

Gina Liano, Pulling Focus. Source: Supplied

"Unfortunately there was some bitches on the table who couldn't focus. They should've been switching the bitch and switching on!" says Pettifleur, who really just needs to put down the rhyming dictionary and have a good hard look at herself.

Desperate to change the topic, Rick stands up and breaks the news that he and Gamble are newly engaged. The girls all offer their congratulations. Jackie, for one, seems particularly surprised by the announcement. But babes … aren't you psychic?

"You're engaged? What a surprise I mean OF COURSE I ALREADY KNEW THAT" Source: Supplied

Episode two ends with a bang: The day after the party, Chyka and Janet summon Gamble to lunch to ambush her with the malicious gossip that they can barely bring themselves to discuss but have been talking about ad nauseam for two episodes now.

Janet confesses that the dirt she has on Gamble is churning her up inside. It's keeping her up at night. It's making her sick to her stomach. Why, it seems to be affecting the very cellular structure of her face:

New from Zapf Creations, the My Model Styling Head is a great gift for budding beauticians aged three and up. Source: Supplied

"It's a story about your past, and men. A variety of different men," Chyka informs Gamble.

"I'll tell you what they're saying! They're saying you're a stripper and a callgirl. As a job, as a job, as a SERIOUS job," says Janet, who apparently would only do that sort of thing herself on some sort of part-time charity basis.

But it gets worse.

"Also, there are all these stories going around that there have been all these sex parties," Janet says.

Well, it escalates from there. Gamble denies, denies, denies, drops the word 'defamation' at least once, and offers this wonderful explanation as to how all of Melbourne's Ladies Who Lunch might be under the impression she operates a drop-in centre for local swingers:

"Oh, all right, yes, I did have group of girlfriends over, but it WASN'T a sex party."

Gamble closes the episode with a rant that perfectly demonstrates just how much higher the hysteria levels are this season — remember now, we're only on episode two:

"I feel I was ambushed … I think the girls premeditated bringing me down. Coming out with such malicious bullshit is just vile. They should go home and have a f*cking shower and wash their brains out, their skulls out, with their filthy minds, and get a f*cking grip of life. Why don't they take a f*cking look and do something good for the world and stop being bitches?"

Chyka's face says it all:

"How was I to know that inviting a new friend out to lunch to tell her I think she's a pole-dancing prostitute would go badly?" Source: Supplied

Next week: Gamble and Janet have a showdown about the sex party rumours — where else? — in full public view at a swanky party. Oooh, it's gonna be a goodun'.

Real Housewives of Melbourne airs every Sunday at 8:30pm on Foxtel's Arena channel. Check back as soon as each episode airs for our full recap.

In the meantime, join recapper Nick Bond over on Twitter (@bondnickbond) where together, we can figure out what Pettifleur's book is actually about. #switchthebitch

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