Real Housewife’s messy, drunken outburst

Pettifleur Berenger has joined the ladies on The Real Housewives of Melbourne

Say hello to this season's Real Housewives of Melbourne. Source: Foxtel

THIS week, Gamble has too much to drink and loses it at dinner. And how does Janet's date go with the man who promises her '15-minute orgasms'?

Professionally accredited bitch-switcher Pettifleur kicks off this week's episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne by taking her son Nathan to buy his first suit — despite the very real threat of attack from Natalia Kills.

MORE: Real Housewives ep 4 recap

"I want you to dress him up. He's got a great body, doesn't he? I say to him, you've got the cutest bum," she tells the male shop assistant, who looks as uncomfortable as you'd expect of someone asked to comment on the attractiveness of a teenage boy by his own mother on television.

"How do I look, Mum?" "As an artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property, I am disgusted at how much you have copied my husband…" Source: Foxtel

"You know, I love a man who has SERIOUS SPUNK," Pettifleur informs the shop assistant. He appears visibly upset.

"I swear I'll switch the bitch if you never shout 'SERIOUS SPUNK' at me again." Source: Foxtel

Putting the finishing touches on her son's outfit, Pettifleur realises there's one thing missing from her little shopping trip: she hasn't yet sufficiently denigrated the poor guy who's being paid to help her. Despite being in the middle of a store filled with literally hundreds of new ties for sale, she demands the tie from around the sales assistant's neck.

"It was a no-brainer — you're here to serve me, I can have your tie." You're right Pettifleur, there were literally no brains involved.

Next we're with Gina, who's bringing Gamble as her date to a charity event where she'll be auctioning off one of her trademark 'Dolly Parton does Mykonos' spangly gowns.

"I love being Gina's date … it's the lesbian in me," says Gamble. Announcing you have a lesbian inside you does nothing to quell those rumours about your … appetites, Gamble.

"I adore Gina, but I'm not sure how she feels about me. That's OK, we're getting there. Baby steps. I'm in love," she gushes.

So what exactly does Gina think of her new pal?

"Gamble is a great support. I think she's a bit of a fan, really," she says, humbly.

Gina takes to the stage for the charity auction, while Gamble looks on lovingly:

Gamble, basking in the eighth world wonder that is Gina Liano. Source: Foxtel

"I have been described as looking fierce in that dress, so I hope whoever acquires it will have the opportunity to look fierce as well," Gina tells the crowd as her frock goes under the hammer. And just who's going to look fierce in it? THESE DUDES:

Did you know that if there are no gays nearby to compliment her, Gina Liano will enter a state of hibernation akin to the North American Grizzly Bear? Source: Foxtel

"The successful bidder on the dress was a dentist and his partner. I'm not sure what they're going to do with the dress … I could perish a few thoughts," says Gina, who's clearly hankering for an invite to whatever these boys have got planned.

Across town and, because her insatiable thirst for the D knows no bounds, Janet's giving speed dating a go. 'Toy boy cougar' speed dating, to be specific. She's brought Jackie along for emotional and psychic support.

Now, it must be said that some of these boys are young. Like, To Catch A Predator young.

My, what a handsome foetus. Source: Foxtel

"I prefer to date a younger man, because why would I want to spend my spare time pushing around someone in a wheelchair?"

We're not quite following that leap of logic, but duly noted, Disability Discrimination Commissioner Janet Roach.

Jackie gives Janet a last-minute bestial pep talk, telling her she's a "motherf*cking whipping horse who's got to whip it up," and Janet responds by launching into her now-iconic helicopter-hand Gamble impersonation.

"Eeeeeeeeeverybooooooody, I'm gonna do Eeeeeeeeverybooooooody!" Source: Foxtel

Sitting down to her first date, Janet pulls straight from her bank of pre-prepared questions: "If aliens came and asked you to go back to their planet, would you go with them?"

"Definitely," Bachelor Number One says, looking like he'd rather appreciate the offer right about now.

Bachelor Number Two, resplendent in ketchup-coloured slacks and a fetching sexpest goatee, sinks into the couch next to Janet and immediately announces that he's looking to be "a kept man."

She's thoroughly unimpressed until ol' sauce-slacks announces that he's a 'Life, Sex and Relationship Coach' who "helps his female clients have 15-minute orgasms."

WELL. Janet perks right up.

"YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION." Source: Foxtel

She's even more impressed by Bachelor Number Three, a handsome chap, and reaches even further into her arsenal of first date questions to ask: What makes him cry?

He ponders the questions for a moment and says that he's always very emotionally affected by cases of animal abuse.

"YES! THAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER! IT'S ABOUT ANIMALS! IT'S ABOUT CRUELTY TO ANIMALS!" Janet screams.

We're honestly not sure whether she's for or against animal cruelty, such is the wide-eyed enthusiasm of her response.

The next day, Jackie, Chyka and Pettifleur catch up for lunch and it's immediately clear Pettifleur STILL hasn't completed her assigned online module in Witty Housewife Quips.

"So, I hear that Gamble has lost her fur," she announces to the table. Jackie responds with this vacant stare:

When even the psychic doesn't have clue what you're on about, you're in trouble. Source: Foxtel

"As in … because … the claws have come out," she clarifies. Pettifleur, that was a 4/10 at best — please see us after class.

Jackie then fills Pettifleur in about the stripper/prostitute/Japanese body pillow rumours swirling around Gamble. Hang on a minute, hasn't everyone on this goddamn show been informed of these rumours on at least three separate occasions?

Pettifleur feigns interest, but there's really one thing she wants to know — whats does everyone think about HER.

"OK, that's very interesting, but on the Gamble situation, what's she been saying about me?"

Silence.

"Uh … I don't think she's said anything about you," Chyka finally says. AWK-WARD.

Next we're with Jackie and Ben, who are meeting with Giant Model Management (note: models not actual medical giants), as they're on the hunt for someone to be the face of La Mascara. If you ask us, this is the only face of La Mascara:

#shineshineshine Source: Foxtel

BUT WHAT DO WE KNOW.

Sitting down with Lucy and Richard, two scouts from the agency, Jackie and Ben sift through a stack of headshots. Within minutes, Jackie's forgotten that she's here to find the face of her company, and instead starts offering impromptu psychic readings on each of the models, based on the 'vibe' she senses from their pictures.

"I can feel their sadness, I can feel their passion, I can feel what they're going through," she insists, running her hands over the headshots spread across the table like she's Tyra Banks having a crack at a ouija board on a Very Special Halloween Episode of America's Next Top Model.

"My senses tell me this woman was once an extra on All Saints" "Jackie you're just reading the back of the headshot" "Ben didn't I tell you to wait in the car." Source: Foxtel

"She's got to stop bitching. I'll tell her that," she says of one model.

Of another: "She plays guitar! I'm going to ask her when I see her."

Picking up a picture of a model who looks to be about 19, Jackie announces: "She's got five children!"

Not one to get left behind, Lucy then taps into HER incredible psychic abilities. Taking the headshot from Jackie, she announces there's "something incredibly sad" about the model.

To the gorgeous young woman wondering why you never got a callback for that La Mascara gig, now you know: apparently you resemble a depressed mother-of-five. Soz babes.

Later, Chyka and Bruce hold their big dinner for the other housewives and their partners. In true Chyka and Bruce Smug Married style, they've put on rather a showy meal, with courses involving all sorts of unusual foods — including green pea soup served in a test tube. Not everybody's loving it.

"Can we move onto the main course? I'm meeting a dentist and his boyfriend at Stonewall later for amateur drag night." Source: Foxtel

Sitting down to dinner, Lydia tells the group about her recent trip to Florence for her son's wedding. She tearfully explains how proud she feels to see her little boy all grown up, because "deep down, you never truly believe you're a great mother, you know?"

"I do," Gina pipes up with a shrug. "I believe I'M a great mother." #unapologeticgina

Lydia then reveals that she's always been especially close to her son because she'd earlier lost a child at birth when she was just 21.

"Anton is my boy with two souls," she says softly, tears in her eyes. The table falls silent.

"There's a lot of tragedy in women's lives. Most women our age have had something awful happen to them. It's good that she can share — not all of us can," Gamble says.

It's an unexpectedly poignant moment of reflection.

Don't worry, it soon passes. Between courses, Gamble sidles up next to Pettifleur so the pair can trade thinly-veiled barbs. Gamble's dubbed Pettifleur "Nouveau Riche Barbie," which she sweetly insists is "not an insult."

"And what's your background? Do you have old money, or…?" Pettifleur responds.

They're both about five seconds away from going each other with the nearest steak knife.

INITIATING BITCH-SWITCH MODE. Source: Foxtel

"So are you finished with me, Pettifleur? Why don't you get to know someone before you start talking crap about them?"

With that, a now unsteady-on-her-feet Gamble saunters back up to the other end of the table … and promptly starts on Janet.

"You called me a stripper and a prostitute and a sex party whore, and NONE of those things are true!"

We know, Gamble. WE KNOW.

As she shouts incoherently at Janet, throwing accusations left and right, even Gamble's fiance Rick sides with the others, quietly suggesting to her that it's time to move on.

She does not take this suggestion well.

"Can we leave now Rick? I want to go home. LET'S JUST GO HOME RICK."

As Chyka and Bruce encourage Gamble to stay, she slumps forward on the table, sighing.

"I don't know … maybe I'm just a bit tired and drunk. I don't know much, but I think you and Bruce are absolutely beauuuuuutiful."

"Mate, I'm not just sayin' this, but I love roolly love youse guys. Where'd I put me f****' drink?" Source: Foxtel

Yes, she's acting like a total a trainwreck, but we've all been THAT girl at a party, haven't we? Order the woman a kebab and an Uber before she takes her top off.

The next day, while Gamble no doubt nurses a massive hangover, Janet and Pettifleur — who it must be said don't appear to enjoy each other's company in the slightest — meet for a coffee to discuss the one topic upon which they can agree: their mutual disdain for Gamble. Noted rap enthusiast Janet quotes Kanye West verbatim to describe her feelings about the woman:

"It's just like the song: I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke … dudes … either."

"NAILED IT. Yeah, big Kayne East fan here." Source: Foxtel

NEXT WEEK: Oh GOD it looks like a goodun': Gamble invites the girls up to Sydney to hang with her crew and it gets MESSY. Gamble's sister berates Janet at a party, Janet flees in horror, then Gamble and Janet have a physical altercation outside an Irish pub in front of a crowd of drunk onlookers:

INCREDIBLE. Source: Foxtel

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Sunday's on Foxtel's Arena Channel — come back right after each episode airs to read our full recap.

In the mean time, join our recapped Nick Bond, who also has five children and an unshakable air of sadness, on Twitter (@bondnickbond).

Join in the conversation and get the latest entertainment news on our Facebook page.

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