Is this the ugliest Real Housewives fight ever?

Real Housewives of Melbourne, episode 8 recap: Gina and Jackie's incredible bogan slanging match Source: Foxtel

LAST week's episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne ended on a sour note: Gina and Pettifleur were sniping at each other during dinner on their holiday in the Philippines, with Gina warning the newer girl on the block to "back off".

We're still at dinner as this week's episode opens, but tensions seem to have momentarily cooled.

Instead, Pettifleur's delivering her usual Amway-meets-Scientology sermon about the benefits of Switching the Bitch to a table of women whose expressions range from polite endurance to flat-out boredom.

"I've enriched my bitch to be so happy and so content in my life that I don't allow anything nasty or horrible to bother me, like Gina's constant comments," she says.

"There's some comments that she makes about my accent … and my colour …"

WELL. This is a bombshell. Sure, we've seen Gina crack a couple of (rather innocuous) jokes about Pettifleur's accent, but has she really been denigrating the colour of her skin? Is Gina a flat-out racist?

Gamble doesn't take the accusation well.

"As president of the Gina Liano fan club I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!" Source: Foxtel

"She has not, you LIAR! You LIAR, she NEVER mocked your colour!"

Turns out that, after a man spoke to Pettifleur when they arrived at Manila airport, Gina remarked that he might have assumed her to be a local. To Pettifleur, such a comment is "somewhere between ignorant and racist," while Gina asks, "Why is that an insult?"

Now it's Jackie's time to #shineshineshine. She jumps in to allege that, when she, Gina and Janet were appearing on a recent talk show, Gina asked her cast mates how they could "throw the two new girls under the bus."

Jackie then claims that Gina called Gamble's partner Rick a "lunatic" for not remembering her the second time he met her.

Frankly, this seems entirely reasonable to us — if you meet someone who resembles the love child of Maria Venuti and Mufasa from The Lion King once and you don't remember them, you are probably in need of an MRI.

These allegations don't fly with Gina, who quickly tells Jackie to "f*ck off."

"You f*ck off, cos you're full of it! You get f*cked," Jackie says, delivering an offensive arm gesture with a theatrical flourish. "You are so full of sh*t and I can't stand it!"

And with that, the other ladies quietly and intently hid their steak knives under the table. Source: Foxtel

Shaking with anger, Jackie then challenges Gina to that old Today Tonight staple, a lie-detector test.

"You don't need a lie-detector test, I WAS THERE!" Janet screams, but no one seems to be listening.

From there, things get even uglier — this is an honest to god transcript of the conversation between these two rich, powerful adult women:

Gina: "I'm never talking to you again!"

Jackie: "I'm never talking to YOU again!"

Gina: "F*CK. OFF."

Jackie: "YOU f*ck off!"

Gina: "You're an idiot." Jackie: "YOU'RE an idiot!"

Why mourn the slow death of Australian scripted drama when reality TV delivers such rich, textured dialogue?

Hankering for some camera time, Janet then starts overreacting bizarrely to Gina's every jibe about Jackie.

"She is NOT delusional, that's a terrible thing to say! She's NOT mad, don't say that! Stop that! She is NOT possessed, how dare you! Stop that!"

It's all delivered with her best 'why are mummy and daddy fighting' face:

"Hello, Kids Helpline? I'm a 58-year-old Toorak Property Developer and I'm really upset" Source: Foxtel

The slanging match continues, with Jackie telling Gina she's "the biggest lying sack of sh*t" she's ever met in her life.

Lydia sums up the mood of the other women at the table: "Shut up, everybody … seriously."

Jackie then drops another big allegation: that GINA was the first to know all about Gamble's Sexy Sexual Sex Rumours, and thus pitted Gamble against Janet just for fun.

Are you keeping up with all this? There will be a test.

Print these Jackie Gillies reaction shots out and keep them on hand to use during family disagreements Source: Foxtel

Jackie closes her argument with this classy little jab at Gina:

"When's the last time you had a shaaaaag? [LIVING for her delivery of the word 'shag', just FYI] That's what you need, a root. A bloody good root."

Don't we all, babes.

The next day, as the restaurant no doubt re-evaluates its policy on group bookings and offers gift vouchers to nearby diners, Lydia sits Gamble down at the hotel bar to give her a warning about Gina.

"I think it's gorgeous that you two have become so close. There's a lot of layers to her though, and you haven't seen them yet. She can be stubborn. She does put people down if she doesn't want to know them."

She encourages Gamble to trust what Jackie says — the woman's a psychic, after all.

"Well, we all have our own thing — I mean, I'm a devout Darwinist," is Gamble's non-sequitur of a response. Lydia's face says suggests doesn't quite follow:

Darwinism, Lydia: it's the process of natural selection in which the stupid eventually die out — actually never mind. Source: Foxtel

After delivering her warning to Gamble, Lydia meets her housekeeper Joanna's Filipino parents, and given her emotional reaction upon seeing them, one has to wonder if they aren't actually her parents too.

"Obviously Joanna speaks so highly of me, and her parents were emotional because they know how much I look after their daughter and how caring I am," she tells us. Humble, too.

"Just like we rehearsed, Dario: speak slowly, remain calm, and hopefully she'll give us back our daughter." Source: Foxtel

Joanna's parents thank the rich white lady for meeting with them, for bringing them gifts, and for employing their daughter.

Lydia's response is super-creepy:

"She's MY daughter," she tells Joanna's Actual Real Mother. "In Australia, she's MY daughter. She's family, because she knows so much about my life."

Umm, if knowing absolutely everything there is to know about someone is enough to make them family, then why isn't Victoria Beckham my mum yet?

Lydia presents the couple with a picture frame, in which she instructs them to "put a beautiful photo of Joanna and I."

"Oh …. OK," says Joanna's mum.

Lydia then meets Joanna's adorable young nephew — and immediately starts instructing HIM to call her 'Mama'. SOMEBODY TAKE THE CHILD FROM LYDIA PLEASE.

Later in the day, Pettifleur and Gamble return to the hotel bar for an afternoon cocktail. As Pettifleur announces that her personal style is about "understated sophistication," the camera pans out to reveal that she's wearing the sort of ensemble Baz Luhrmann might dub 'a little too showy':

It takes a brave woman to team a foot-long fly with flesh-coloured body panelling. Source: Foxtel

"I saw Pettifleur and I nearly fell over. She looked like she could be fired out of a cannon!" says Gamble, wide-eyed.

The two sit down and, after eight episodes of sniping, attempt to make a fresh start with one another. Pettifleur explains that she hasn't felt very supported by Gamble, who she views as "a little puppy dog being protected by the big guard dog, Gina."

Quite rightly, Gamble says she hasn't offered much support because she doesn't have a lot of patience with terribly condescending, passive-aggressive statements like that.

Pettifleur then asks why Gamble refers to her as 'Nouveau Riche Barbie', which implies she's a cashed-up bogan with more money than sense.

"Why would you say that I spend my money frivolously?" she asks, looking for all the world like she covered her head in glue and did a forward-roll through a Goldmark jewellers.

"I do NOT waste money on crap. I'll have you know I made this headdress myself after opening a box of wine and YouTubing old episodes of Art Attack" Source: Foxtel

Pettifleur tells Gamble that she's coined a nickname for HER: 'Carnival Clown Barbie'.

"I'm not going to tell you what it means. I'm sure you'll find out sooner or later. Anyways, tell me about your gorgeous gown — how did you buy it? Do you get an allowance?"

Oh. No. She DIDN'T.

"Don't speak to me like that. I'm going. How f*cking rude," says Gamble, and with that, she's off.

"OK, walk away," Pettifleur smirks, looking for all the world like she won the argument.

Who do YOU think won the stoush, dear reader? The woman who refused to answer derogatory personal questions and removed herself from the situation, or the woman who is now sat drinking alone in a bar dressed as Tonya Harding circa 1987?

"I got her good, isn't that right — oh, there's no-one here." Source: Foxtel

No sooner has Gamble swanned out of the bar do the others rock up to greet Pettifleur, who acts all sweet n' innocent.

"Give me smacks everybody! I asked Gamble if she's got an allowance. Maybe it was naughty of me … I cant say anything because I'll get into trouble!"

Lydia is clearly having NONE OF IT.

"STOP IT. You're not a child," she snarls.

Gamble returns to the bar (to be honest, it may have been less of a 'walkout' than a 'toilet break') and she and Pettifleur agree to a truce — of sorts. Basically, they agree to stand at opposite ends of the group. Whatever works, ladies.

Pettifleur then regales the group with her plans to buy a brand new Bentley for her birthday … *cough* Nouveau Riche Barbie *cough*

Lydia's in the mood for a bit of stirring: "Who's buying it, Pettifleur? Who's buying it?"

"Well, whatever comes my way from [partner] Frank on my birthday, then so be it," is Pettifleur's coy response.

"Really? That's a huge … ALLOWANCE," says Lydia. YAAAS GURL.

Lydia, seen here checking her reflection in Pettifleur's cranial jewels Source: Foxtel

After such an exhausting holiday telling each other to go and get f*cked, the girls end their trip with a visit to a relaxing health spa. While the others dress down in flowing, voluminous holiday-wear, Gina sticks to her uniform: tight-fitting sparkly frock, handheld clutch. Well done Gina.

Neck rubs, foot massages, maybe even a light off-camera colonic — it all looks like heaven. Something tells us, though, that Gina's not really the 'massage' type:

Perhaps the long-term exposure to super-hold hair spray has had an effect on her neck joints? Source: Foxtel

At dinner after their spa day, Gina does seem to be in more of a relaxed mood. Keen-eyed RHOM watchers will notice she barely EVER drinks, instead preferring to keep control of her behaviour while those around her turn into drunken babbling messes. But tonight, she's having a cheeky wine — a "peeno gridgey-o," as she calls it.

As dinner wears on, Gamble finally asks Pettifleur to explain the nickname 'Carnival Clown Barbie.'

Clearly very proud of herself, Pettifleur explains that Gamble reminds her of those carnival games in which you have to put balls in the mouth of a dead-eyed, vacant clown while its head rotates from side to side.

"Oh, is that all? Oh well darling, there have been a few balls in my mouth."

With that, she smiles, shrugs, and takes a hearty sip of her wine.

Gamble Breaux, you are doing Real Housewives right. Source: Foxtel

DOUZE POINTS, GAMBLE.

Next week: Pettifleur's love of ridiculous headwear reaches new heights — and is Gamble really embroiled in a nude photo scandal?

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel's Arena Channel.

Check back here right after each episode screens for our full recap.

In the meantime, check in with recapper Nick Bond on Twitter (@bondnickbond) to ponder the age-old question: "When did you last have a good shaaaaaaaag?"